MY HOROSCOPE, AKA SIGNS
“Aquarians are subject to sudden ‘Eureka!’ moments that can change everything.
The Aquarius man has the trait of a fresh un-blinkered outlook.”1
My horoscope for February 6th was amazingly specific: “There is a place in America where you can buy a one-topping pizza for $4.99. Including delivery. Find it, and you will find everything.” It also noted, “Valentine’s Day is coming. Chances are you will enter a contest sponsored by a florist and win a handgun.”
I needed more guidance, so I went to a psychic. She located the pizza place in Maine, really far from where I live in Arizona, but hey, when the universe talks, I listen. By the time my Ford Festiva got to Maine, the pizza place had closed. For good. Bummer. However, I found out online that Alaska has pizza for $7.25, and a coupon brought it down to $4.99! An acceptable substitute?
Slightly frustrated but still guided by the universe, I drove back on the northern route, picking up a Canadian dude to help with gas on the first leg (a palm reader told me axe murderers are hardly ever Canadian). I arrived in Anchorage just before Valentine’s Day and headed to the nearest florist figuring they’d close before a pizza place would.
When I got inside, I was stunned. Alaska might have cheap pizza, but wow, the floral prices! I’m talking $100 for daisies and sunflowers. I asked if by any chance they had a handgun contest going, and in fact, they were raffling off a pistol at that very moment! I truly felt the hand of destiny pat my back. But when I reached into my pocket, I was down to two bucks and the raffle ticket cost five. How could I get this close and not prevail? “Can I write an IOU for the last three bucks?” I asked.
The florist gave me a look of contempt and suspicion. The things out-of-towners try.
I was somewhat discouraged. And really broke. I stood there looking at the overpriced daisies until it occurred to me to ask if the florist knew of any jobs.
“Yeah, the pizza place down the street is hiring.”
I hurried over. It was the very one with the coupon! And the pizza manager had lovely soft black eyes and paid me $3 as soon as I earned it (twenty minutes). I was half in love with her and raced over to the florist’s and bought the raffle ticket.
Sure enough, I won the handgun. Kismet. The very next day, a grizzly bear was tearing the door off my manager’s car to get at the pizzas. I got out the handgun and fired away. I may have hit it because it left. Standing by her wrecked car-door, I locked eyes with my manager and fell in love the rest of the way. Turned out she was a Libra so I already knew we were compatible. The game warden gave us a faux bearskin rug for the honeymoon.
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Lita Kurth writes and teaches in San Jose.
https://www.creatorschoolca.com/revisionworkshop
