The Cobalt Weekly

#53: Poetry by Shreya Vikram

PRAYER TO THE TILES ON MY BEDROOM FLOOR

Once, I hated you.

Once, I wished

for your softer cousins, toothless

spreads. Once, I wanted

things you denied me: the brush

of cloth on my feet. Worship.

Submission. Apology.

You have waited me out. Made me

feel things: bones, shifting

like a sack of stones, my flesh

warm, begging for relief

from your frigid, hard limbs.

You unforgiving son of

yourself. How is it

that you have no shadow, no echo

of your body that begs to leave you.

All day, you’d leave

your footprints

on the soles of my feet. You never offered

yourself up to be held. I could touch you

without being touched. But in the nights,

if I laid my body down on you,

you’d kiss me. All of me. You were faceless,

nameless, save what you stood

for. And yet, I saw none of myself

in you. Just this grey, hazy

blur, vague enough to love

and be loved. You were unchanging

for my comfort. Unyielding. You

demanded my yield to find

the parts of me

I love most, lose

all else. So often, I’ve lowered

myself down on you.

I’ve stayed

until I felt nothing of me.

Lost the part that was feeling too.

No one left to make sense of us.

 

I KEEP MY NAILS

I keep my nails

away from myself. Like a secret

I’m not allowed

to hear. Like all secrets, it’s all

I’ve ever wanted. I keep my nails

cut at the root. A secret from

itself. Like everything

I’ve ever wanted. I keep my nails

clawing. Into the edges

first. Then the tender

wounded parts, where blood seeps out

like a dead man’s piss. Rotting

into itself, a secret never told,

which is everything I’ve ever

wanted. I keep my nails

clean. Dig out the pieces

of rusted blood and blooded

skin afterwards. Bruised blood

bruising the horizon

where skin folds into

keratin. Tainted

like a secret, which is all

I’ve ever wanted. I keep my nails

hidden. A secret

from myself. Like everything

I’ve ever wanted.

***

Shreya Vikram is a writer and artist based in India. She is the recipient of the Dorothy West Scholarship 2020. Her work is forthcoming in Ruminate, Salmon Creek Journal, GHLL and elsewhere. You can find more of her writing at shreyavikram.com