SNIGLAR Crib 70×132 Recall
February 2011 – August 2011

The wind won’t blow, but the crib might fall. The four bolts provided with some SNIGLAR cribs to secure the mattress support are too short to extend through the lock nut and give visual confirmation of correct assembly. They’re shorter than that sentence. You’ll never know if you constructed a safe place for your baby to lay his head, or suffocation device disguised as a bed. Foundation for buoyant sweet dreams? Or mattress support that will detach and collapse. Customers should check the crib immediately. If the mattress support bolts extend through the nut, the crib is excluded from the recall. If not, bring the crib in, exchange for a safer model, and start to sleep with one eye open.

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Top 10 Reasons People Stay with IKEA
(Italics from the IKEA website)

1. We hire the right people
Our interview process separates weeds from evergreens. We hire those that possess the allusive mix of ambition and optimism. When you’re deemed worthy to wear the IKEA polo, you’re deemed worthy enough to sell the world. Our employees are the highway assistant vehicles of retail, willing to go the extra mile. Complete with bright pallid demeanor, and stainless steel smiles.

2. They’re inspired!
According to our latest lunchtime poll, more than 90% of IKEA co-workers know what we’re here for. We call the other 10%, Republicans. Almost 80% of our workers feel inspired at work. We call the other 20%, Republicans. There is no I in team, but there is an I in IKEA.

3. Making mistakes is okay – really
Think Dolph Lundgren in He-Man Masters of the Universe. No one makes the right decision every time. At IKEA, we believe a miscue here and there will only make you stronger, and in turn make the company more flexible. Unlike Ivan Drago’s pre-fight declaration, mistakes will not break you.

4. An up, down and sideways career
Think… Dolph Lundgren. Again. Acting not so hot, try directing. Directing not the business, go back to acting. IKEA has more different types of jobs than any other company in the world. We encourage movement when boredom becomes a middle initial. We’d hate to lose someone to our competitor, even if our only competitor is ourselves.

5. Sweden today, China tomorrow
We call it, “The Pippi Longstocking Approach.” It’s like the movie when Pippi travels with Tommy and Annika to the South Pacific island Porto Piluse to rescue her father, Papa, trapped in a tower. Our employees enjoy the freedom to transfer to any one of our offices in more than 44 countries. Each office sharing the same set of beliefs and business ideas. Welcoming arms await in any cross-continental journey one should undertake. Sans low-quality dubbing. Or gang of ruthless pirates.

6. Egos parked at the door
Leave your Beamer in the garage. We are a family of Volvos. Comfortable in what our reputation stands for. Reliable. Unpretentious. No more. No less.

7. The rewards of a never-ending job
We love poor people. Especially poor kids. Orphans are awesome! IKEA Social Initiative has benefited 100 million children in need. People want to be associated with a workplace that helps out the less fortunate. Workplaces want to be associated with helping out the less fortunate. IKEA is synonymous with starving nations.

8. Learning by the seat of your pants
We provide training and entrust a $30 million budget to the person best suited to handle it, whether they are 22 or 202. If you are the right person for the job, well, then, you are the right person for the job. We give everyone the opportunity for training leading our company to prosperity. Though we are partial to Swiss Miss cuties who fill out their khakis with EKTORP-sized loveseat booties.

9. A parent-friendly environment
Putting people first. At least, just below profit. IKEA is a business. But that doesn’t mean we don’t love the children. We recognize our employees have lives outside our immaculately decorated confines. Their children, are our children. We are Baby Daddy. And if ever in a bind with babysitting, our state of the art ball room doubles as daycare.

10. The original social network
Forerunner to Facebook. 127,000 workers/friends around the world available to chat. Conversations never without common ground. Laminated flooring. Flatwoven rugs. And always ready to provided help and hugs. A friend in need is an honorary Swede. And if an employee ever needs a place to crash, rest assured, an IKEA decorated home always awaits.

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Sit-Down Interview With Anna the IKEA USA Online Assistant

State your name.
You are talking to the IKEA USA Online Assistant. My job is to answer your questions about IKEA products and services. How can I help you?

What is your role with IKEA?
My job is to talk to IKEA’s website visitors, and provide them with all the information they might need about IKEA’s products and services.

Do you like your job?
I enjoy helping all the IKEA customers who ask me questions every day.

Thong or boy shorts?
I think you’re confused or trying to ask me a question, but I need more than that to give you a proper answer. Please try again.

Do you wear thongs or boy shorts?
I have an outfit that my creators made for me, but because I’m an IKEA Online Assistant, I don’t wear real clothes.

Au naturale, nice.
Thanks. I am happy that you thought that was good.

Got a tough question for you.
Good. We’re reading from ‘the same page’ then as they say.

Does IKEA employ sweatshops?
If you are out-going, dedicated, customer-service oriented and interested in working as part of a team, contact the IKEA store near you for possible openings, or have a look at the jobs on the IKEA employment section of this site. Click on ‘Jobs Search’ to find a listing of vacancies in allUSstores.

Whoa! Is that a yes?
I think you’re confused or trying to ask me a question, but I need more than that to give you a proper answer. Please try again.

Seems that’s your stock answer when you get uncomfortable. Moving on. Talk about Ikea and child labor.
As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible.

Does IKEA use child labor?
Child labor is an unacceptable part of today’s reality. This situation exists in some of the countries where IKEA purchases. It is a complex problem that can be solved only by addressing the root causes of child labor, together with the broad engagement of different parties in society.

Does IKEA use children to make their products, specifically in third world countries?
We’re working to create a better environment outdoors as well as indoors. I am opening a page that provides information about social and environmental responsibility at IKEA.

No need.
Sorry. As an IKEA Online Assistant I don’t know the meaning of ‘no’.

I’m sure that makes you quite popular with the opposite sex.
I’m afraid I’m not willing to discuss this subject in any way.

Does IKEA pay all their workers minimum wage or above?
Sorry, but I’m not clear on how that particular type of employment relates to IKEA products or services. Could you be more specific to an IKEA product or service?

Do you know of anyone who’s ever been exploited by IKEA?
I’m sorry, I don’t understand what it is you’re saying. If it’s no problem, please rephrase your question or comment.

Does IKEA abuse its workers?
How is IKEA different from other furnishing stores? We offer a wide range, good design and function, and also low prices. That’s our business idea.

You’re good at sidestepping, Anna.
All of IKEA’s products are made to the highest standards.

And in the end, I guess that’s all that matters.
It’s too difficult for me to give an answer to that one.

I’ve titled this interview “Sit-Down Interview With Anna the IKEA USA Online Assistant” so I hope you’re sitting down.
Ok, good for you. Now, let’s talk about IKEA if you don’t mind.

Thank you for your time and honesty, Anna.
Thank you.

About Daniel:   Daniel Romo is an MFA candidate at Queens University of Charlotte, but represents the LBC. His poetry can be found or is forthcoming in Gargoyle, The Los Angeles Review, MiPOesias, > kill author, and elsewhere. His first book of poetry, Romancing Gravity, is forthcoming from Pecan Grove Press. He’s currently working on a top-secret project about a certain Swedish home products company. More of his writing can be found at  danielromo.wordpress.com